My Journal, The Tremors and Being Confronted With What Is To Come.

A few days ago, when I woke up, something unusual happened. I normally wake up with tremors in my hands, because I suffer from a neurological disorder called essential tremors. These tremors make it very difficult to shut off my alarm clock, turn on my lamp, etc.

Although you don't ever get used to the tremors, you come to the point where you expect them. I was told by my neurologist that there is no cure for this disorder but that there is medication and sometimes surgeries which can help, but not cure it.

He had also mentioned to me that essential tremors gradually get worse over time, but I guess I was in denial, because I didn't expect it to get worse. I actually had hoped it would remain in my hands only.

Going through everyday life with essential tremors isn't obvious. Simple everyday tasks can be impacted, such as the inability to drink a glass of water, without spilling some. The inability to feed yourself with a regular spoon or fork, etc

Thankfully I am not at that stage yet. My hands have been trembling for quite a while, preventing me from writing with a pen or pencil. Which means I am constantly asking for help to fill out any forms.

I need to justify myself everytime I go to the bank or anywhere else where I need to sign a paper, because I can no longer do that. Putting on eyeliner is quite a challenge. Taking my medications, etc.

So I had to get creative when trying to find solutions and I also had to step on my ego whenever I needed help. Which doesn't always go well. Most people will help me no problem, but some are just right down and nasty.

I remember going to Canada Post and when it was my turn to be served, I asked the lady if she could help me fill in the address on the envelope. She looked at me with an annoyed look in her eyes and with a gesture of her hand dismissed me and said “I don't have time, so get out of the way so I can serve the next customer.” I felt so sad and hurt after being treated that way.

For several weeks after that I avoided asking for help, which also meant I avoided doing things I can no longer do on my own. With time and reflection I realized that most people were nice to me, so I couldn't stop living because of that person's ignorance.

As I said earlier, I had hoped that the tremor would remain in my hands only, but to my surprise this

week. The tremors were in my hands but also my head. I couldn't keep my head steady. I hurried up to look at myself in the mirror and there it was.

My head was trembling, no matter what I did it wouldn't stop. I guess that’s what my neurologist meant when he said it gradually gets worse. Thankfully after about an hour and a half it calmed down.

This new tremor scared me. It also made me realize that this disease is slowly taking over my brain and nervous system. But I am not giving up. Meaning I have made many lifestyle changes and dietary changes in order to try and keep it under control. I take the medications and I try to keep a positive outlook on life anyhow.

Some people consume alcohol and/or CBD oil in order to control the tremors but those are avenues I don't want to explore. I much rather try something else, something which is aligned with who I am and my values.

So I am hanging in there and time will tell what I find. In the meantime I will continue to do my best each and every day.